Father of Flies™ Tells All

Satan (common alias’s include: The Devil, Lucifer & Beelzebub) has been found out as the mastermind behind tax season and, as information has come out, taxes as a whole. This news, as expected, has been detrimental to the Father of Flies™ brand. Stocks have been falling steadily since the news broke, people have been leaving the satanic church in droves, and Satan has been silent. Until now.

Now, months later, Satan sits down for a tell all. Our interviewer, Stanley T. Flat, meets with Satan in an empty rooftop bar in Northern Italy for the story.

Below is a transcript of the interview.

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Stanley: Thank you for meeting me here today - No point in beating around the bush, the people want to know how you thought up tax season. Or really, taxes in general.

Satan: Taxes in general were a no brainer - the concept is literally just “give us your money”. The idea for tax season happened during a Hades Creative Board meeting, I was coked out of my mind and running on no sleep, it was really just a meeting about how we were going to keep track of what everyone owed us - not us, ha, but owed in tax and it grew from there.

Stanley: Taxes were much simpler when they began. Did you ever anticipate them to grow to the point where you’d need a whole season to organize it all? Did you foresee there being income taxes, payroll taxes, state and local sales taxes, federal and state excise taxes, and local property taxes?

Satan: No, no, no. Jeez we thought people would just send us money and we’d put it all in a bank account and whatever, who cares- We’d spend it on funding for killer red lasers and space ships; we’d hunt for aliens with it, but then people wanted things to be organized. Wanted to know where it was going? Nosey bastards. Our first pitch was that people would be organized by last names, taxes would happen year round, consistent money flow and whatever. But then the whole, ‘what if we made it miserable?’ touch my team is known for kicked in. And, yea-

Stanley: Please, elaborate.

Satan: Listen, The idea seemed far fetched even for us. We never thought it would fly. In what world do we go: okay guys, you’re going to be dealing with an angry government and angry clients. You will be sleep deprived, over worked and not getting necessary amounts of nutrients or sunlight. By the end of the season, you will need a haircut, a few days worth of sleep and to be re-introduced to your family. Oh and don’t kill yourselves. That was something we didn’t see coming - Suicide rates skyrocketed.

Even though the CPA’s don’t create the rules for who is getting taxed what, they would be getting the heat for it. We were right when we anticipated that being a lot on the mental load. But, what are you gunna do?

Stanley: Who hashed out the details for tax season? Due dates and such? Who truly makes the rules? Your team?

Satan: The IRS, kind of. Tax season started really rolling when we chose to commit to the IRS project. They started as our front-man, someone to catch all the hate and deal with the general public. I can’t even stand them these days, most of America never could - hence our third party, ‘CPA’s’ came into play. If we let the general public deal with the IRS too much we would have had a civil war by now. Exactly why we started auto deducting some tax right from paychecks. Too many ruffled feathers.

We essentially just created a new game for humans when we thought up this new position- A CPA. They love a good task - especially one with a due date and dealing with money and a acronym job title. They ate it up. Helped us out a ton, overnight it became the IRS against CPA’s and a bunch of angry regular people behind them. Why not let them hash it all out themselves? We got the ball rolling, sat back- mostly uninvolved.

Stanley: IRS project? You created the IRS? And now they run on their own? Am I understanding this correctly?

Satan: Sure. Again, something I can’t believe we got away with. How ideas like the IRS start is: we just decide something, say it with authority and promise vague retaliation if you don’t listen, then hope for the best. In 1862 we decided the IRS is an authority figure and expected everyone to listen. Boom - now we have more government.

Someone on the board of Hades Creative had suggested we call them IRS ‘Agents’ - but not give them guns. Everyone got quiet the laugh out of that. Imagine some nerd showing up at your house demanding more tax, which you don’t think you should be paying in the first place, armed with nothing but a 10-key and a fountain pen. And you ‘have’ to listen to them. Ridiculous.

Anyway, back to your question, we essentially let a bunch of power hungry nerds with god-complexes run wild. We gave them a goal, some power and let them loose. They’ve been the ones moving around dates and such, making some of the random law changes - we don’t care what they do as long as we get the money. We’ve tried to reel them in on some of the truly random stuff, like ES Payments and Gift Tax - why are we even doing that? But they feel passionately about it, and honestly, whatever. They’re too annoying to argue with.

Gosh, they’re evil little freaks - you know the whole new W4 form being too difficult for the average Joe to fill out without contacting a tax professional? I wasn’t even behind that, no one from the Father Of Flies team was nor Hades Creative Team. Some guy named Chad created that in his windowless basement office. About knocked me on my ass when I saw it - and Chad truly believes it needs to be this difficult. He isn’t in on the bit in the slightest, he’s just a sicko.

Stanley: What details have you orchestrated for taxes or tax season? Anything you’re particularly proud of?

Satan: I have three. One: the letters. I thought, let’s send out mass letters claiming you didn’t pay tax then immediately send one out saying “wait, yes you didn’t. Disregard that letter,”. That really gets people going. Tension rises when someone just sees an IRS letter now because who knows if it’s right or not? And boom, before you have enough time to call the help line and successfully get through to someone, we have a lean on your house, we’re garnishing your checks, we’re showing up at your front door. Not with guns though! HA!

Two: auditing is a favorite of mine, became popular for the Hades Creative Team too. We loved the whole “we don’t wanna tell you how much you owe, you need to figure it out and then we’ll see if it matches our number, which, by the way we still won’t tell you and if we feel like something is even slightly amiss we’re digging through your entire life and charging you interest.” Better keep every receipt and invoice for seven years or we’re gunna getcha!

Three: when we approved the IRS and State for cashing whatever checks they receive, I knew we really hit gold with that idea - Accidently sent your State tax to the IRS? They’re keeping it. You need it back? Downer. Try next year, but don’t forget to still pay your State! The interest is insane. This one doesn’t happen as often as I would like, but non-the-less is a guaranteed gasket blower.

Stanley: Do you feel guilty over the stress that taxes have put on the American people and the harm that tax season has had on CPA’s, Accountants and their families?

Satan: No.

Stanley: There are rumors the Father Of Flies brand is involved in more than just government? Some speculate your influence is in the music and art community? Care to comment?

Satan: No.

Stanley: Are you concerned over the hit your brand has taken? The people leaving your church?

Satan: This is the brand. Anyone who truly follows my doctrine wont be scandalized to find out I invented taxes or tax season. If you’re running for the hills over tax you’ll come undone if you knew the rest of what I’ve been up to. Give me a break. I’m shocked people haven’t been putting this together from the beginning. You’re working a 9-5, or better yet, something Blue Collar, and you have to give someone else some of your money? You don’t really know where it’s going and you might, might be allowed to have some of it back at the end of the year? You didn’t see this as my handiwork? Head in the sand.

Stanley: Why break your silence on this matter now?

Satan: Oh, I figured what the heck, might as well show a little behind the scenes for the American people. Plus J.C. is headed back soon so my time is more limited now then ever - no press is bad press.

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