The Date

I would like to tell you about a date - I will neither confirm or deny that I was the individual on this date. It might have been me, it might have been my sister, it might have been a friend. This is a true story - and because of its nature, there is almost no need to bs any of it to get it to be hilarious.

For the purposes of this story, I have changed the names of our two main characters - the man on the date will be called Brian, and the girl will be called Ava.

This story closely resembles a fever dream.

The date is at 7:30 pm at a fancy restaurant. It's cold outside.

Brian had made the reservations; Ava showed up 15 minutes early. Brian is already waiting.

Brian meets her at the door; he is wearing a nice pair of slacks and a button down, over the top of the button down is a green vest. He looks like every 54 year old man in the restaurant. He is 25. His shoes are work boots, one pant leg is over the top of the workbook, and the other leg is tucked inside the work-boot. Ava does not comment on this but is confused. Brian is handsome with dark hair and big eyes. He is tall.

"You look nice," Brian says. "I like your glasses, but only from the side. When you look at them from the front, they look a little uglyish," Ava laughs; she thinks she might already dislike him, which is unfortunate because the date has just begun.

They sit at a table, Brian half pulls Ava's chair out for her but then abandons the mission halfway through and just sits down.

The silence begins and starts to stretch on. It's important for the readers to understand that Ava tried to start a conversation multiple times while they were sitting there, but Brian only nodded a bit and didn't contribute.

"I really have nothing to talk about. I almost canceled on you about 20 minutes ago, but I didn't," He laughs a nervous laugh.

Ava laughs. She regrets her choice to go on a date with this boy. She wonders if she should cancel the date right now. Fake an emergency, something.

Again, he says nothing and doesn't look at her - she tries to think of a topic to discuss.

It's almost hunting season so Ava asks, "Do you hunt?"

"Usually I do, but I can't this year," He trails off.

"Why is that?"

"I got a felony so I can't have a gun anymore,"

Brian doesn't look at Ava, he's reading the menu. The tone he delivered this fun fact in was casual, like he told her that he doesn't really care for fall weather or that he hates socks with a seam over the toes.

"What did you do?" She asks.

"I broke someone's arm,"

Due to how half handedly Brian says this, Ava assumes that he must be joking about this situation, oddly enough. So she says "Well did he deserve it?"

"I mean I guess - it was a road rage type of situation," It's clearer now that he is not joking.

Ava stares blankly at him.

"How do you feel about that?"

"About you breaking someone's arm?" She clarifies. He nods.

"Well not great to be honest,"

Brian is not fazed by this, he asks what she will be ordering, she replies, and he doesn't say anything else. she keeps asking questions - somehow his answers all have to tie into World War II history. Ava does not like this, finds it a bit upsetting. The food is delivered to the table - they talk about books, she tells him her favorite genre and he says something along the lines of "Women always have questionable taste in entertainment,"

Ava chooses to ignore the comment and asks if he's doing anything for Halloween? He says no and asks if she is, she says she has a party to go to.

"So you like Halloween a lot?" He wonders. Ava says "I think its alright,"

"I have something to show you," He takes out his phone and spends around seven minutes scrolling.

"You'll like this since you are a fan of Halloween," he adds.

A nervous feeling grows as he scrolls through his phone - while they wait for him to find whatever he is looking of he asks her what her favorite song is, Ava tells him. "Are you going to play it?" He asks, looking from his phone screen to her.

"No, I wasn't planning on it,"

He frowns, looking back down to his phone.

The photo he shows to Ava is of a little baby seal in a bathtub with little pumpkins floating in the water. She laughs. She wonders if this Brian boy is going to murder her at the end of the date. She really hopes not.

Silence again -

"This is a horrible date, isn't it?" He says looking around the dining floor. "You're really pretty by the way,"

"Too bad about the glasses then," She tried to joke.

"Only your glasses are ugly. Your face is fine. Especially with the glasses off."

Ava finds it a little strange eating with a stranger that she already knows she hates. She decides to grill him on politics and religion, she also asks about where he's traveled- he tells her a story that happened during a trip to Germany.

"So the guy asks me ' you don't believe in science?'" Brian's eyes widen as he recounts this "And I say ' I don't believe in science? That's like saying leprechauns don't exist! Get real buddy," He laughs - Ava laughs. She wonders how this person is actually real. It's a terrifying thought. He is out there voting and talking and having opinions - mostly about World War II, but still.

"That really shuts people down - when you throw something wild like that back at them. They get so mad," He musses. He hasn't touched his water. He just holds the glass in his hand and moves it around as he tells stories. Water has spilled from it onto the table but he doesn't seem to mind or notice.

The waitress brings over more water - she stares at Brain like he's a rabid animal.

They cover religion - Brian is Catholic because he likes how the buildings look and quote "I like smelling the incense they they throw around in that ball thing at the end,"

Ava decides to ask how he feels about the catholic church making people pay to get their relatives out of purgatory faster.

Brian is reported to have stared at Ava as if she is dumb. "I don't mind that - what? like we want heaven full of poor people?"

Ava fights the urge to hit him with something, anything.

She asks if he is the type to drink a lot or do drugs. He says yes - she is not surprised.

He asks her the same question - she says no to both.

"I have some in my car if you want to try,"

"You have what?"

"The stuff that you asked me about?"

"You have alcohol and drugs in the back of your car?"

"Who said anything about alcohol or drugs?"

She is getting really worried now that after this dinner he will, in fact, murder her.

He continued to show Ava photos of seals and photos he took while traveling - he tells her that he hasn't really ever been into the whole 'having a job thing', and that his parents take care of him.

The check comes, he gives the waitress his card.

Ava says, "Well tell your dad I said thank you for dinner then,"

He did NOT think that was funny.

He asks her if she wants to take a walk with him after they finish eating, its dark outside and Ava doesn't want to be murdered so she says "no,"

He says "You don't like me? Was it because the date was horrible? I blame the venue, the music they played was horrible"

She doesn't respond, just stares ahead.

They both leave.

The next day Ava thanks him for dinner, but tells him that she is not interested.

It's been around three weeks since the date; he calls her almost every night at 3am, he sends her a few texts a day involving seals and music he is listening to. She hasn't answered his calls, he always leaves a voicemail after the call. The voicemails consist of him trying to convince her to go out with him again - he uses different voices in the messages, different accents. They are hilarious and so strange.

Readers, I truly wish this was one of the stories I made up.

But how can you make stuff like this up?

Safe Sailing and don't talk to boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-A.Ray